Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
