I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
