i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
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It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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