you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
