it's too hot outside to masturbate.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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