I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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