I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
