i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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