If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
