Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
