3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
