A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
