i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
