Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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