none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
