I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
