I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
