I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
How's work?
Spinning.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
