We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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