She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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