I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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