We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
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He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
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WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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