Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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