I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
