we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
