I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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