And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
