Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
