I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
