My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
