Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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