Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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