I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
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All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
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Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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