he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
a search helicopter?!
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
