I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
