haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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