I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
