I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
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If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
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I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag