so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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