WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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