I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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