She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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