I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
