the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
