My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
