i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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