Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
