Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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