Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
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