Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
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She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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