I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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