Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
