I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
