Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
