so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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