I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
