my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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