I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
