I'm pants shitting drunk right now
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
